State of Grace
by Raivis-Latvijas
Summary: Serbia gets and unexpected visit from a certain Croatian on a winter morning. SerbiaxCroatia. Rated for language and mentions of sex.


**A/N: **This is just a story I've written out of complete boredom. It's SerbiaxCroatia mainly, but there is also some mentioning of SerbiaxMontenegro, SerbiaxBosnia, and RussiaxSerbia.

This story is set in the modern day, and is rated T for language and quite a few mentions of sex.

**Xxx**

The coldness crept slowly into the bones of Novak as he stood on the balcony of his apartment; snow drifting down from the sky dusting the earth a pale white. He liked winter, not for the chill in the air or the snow, but because things weren't quite so bustling as they were in any other season. Sure, people still did their usual routines, but everything seemed calmer. Novak needed the calmness; everyone he knew recognized that.

His life, his entire existence, had been made up of mistakes and the struggle to survive. For the past hundred years, he had been torn down and reconstructed numerous times. He though he had gotten somewhere with his previous ambitions of a so-called "Greater Serbia", but unfortunately his ambition turned into greed, and soon his want for control and power turned against him in a slur of wars.

How foolish he was; he should have realized how useless his efforts were before it was too late. Everything, everyone, had turned against him. His economy collapsed, and never truly recovered. His nation; he took pride in what was left of it, but every so often he would see something that stirred his memories back to life. Graffiti and monuments alike; cemeteries also. When he saw those things, when he started to remember all that he had been through, he fell into a state of confusion, pure, painful, heartbreaking confusion.

Arms that had once been there to comfort him were long gone, and would never come back. So when he was in this state of confusion, near panicking, he had only himself to turn to. He would never allow himself to show his weakness to those whom he once controlled, not matter how much he felt the need to. He supposed, since he had done so much to cause them pain, that they would be hostile and not care about the fact that Novak was hurting. That he was struggling.

There were many times when he broke down. It was always at early hours of the morning, when his memories attacked him the most. He would sit against a wall, crying, clutching his head in his hands. He had no choice but to live with what he had done as a nation and as a man, which was far too much to bear. He had deteriorated; he was like a flower wilting slowly, his sanity slowly falling away like the petals of the said flower.

Every week or so, someone would stop by Novak's apartment, either to just say hello or to give him something of importance. No one ever caught him at a bad time; normally he was just lounging around, smoking a cigarette when somebody came to visit.

As Novak looked down at the street, he saw someone staring back up at him. A familiar face he had seen far too many times before; but not in recent times.

"Andelko…?" He muttered.

"Do you have time to talk, Novkovic?" Andelko questioned. The Croatian former lover of Novak had actually came all the way to Serbia to talk. It was either to argue, or inform him of something that he needed to know. Andelko didn't sound too hostile, so Novak supposed it was the latter.

"Yes." Novak replied calmly. He didn't want Andelko thinking he was uneasy; the Croatian would probably become inimical at that point.

"Go in and unlock the apartment door, please."

Novak nodded and headed inside his apartment, unlocking the door. He then walked back to the balcony, noting the fact that Andelko was no longer in sight. He waited a few moments, then heard the door to the apartment open, then shut. Novak glanced over his shoulder at Andelko, whom was in the process of removing his coat. It looked like Andelko was planning on being here for more than a few minutes.

The Croatian soon joined Novak out on the balcony, leaning against the railing and staring out at the snow-dusted city of Belgrade.

"I had a hard time remembering how to get around Belgrade. It's been quite a long time since I've been here." He spoke, avoiding looking at Novak.

"It has… I'm very surprised you came all the way out here…" The Serbian man responded quietly.

"I'm surprised I made myself come here to Belgrade… In the winter, nonetheless. I don't like being here when it's cold outside."

"You don't like being anywhere when it's cold."

"That is very true, Novkovic."

"So what did you come here to talk about?"

"… The wars between us are over, correct?"

"Well… I would hope so."

"Then what tangible reason do we have to be so spiteful towards each other? I know that you've had your disputes with me, but that's all in the past. Isn't it?"

"Yes… But what are you getting at here, Andelko?"

"Do you remember when you used to call me "Andy"?"

Of course Novak remembered when he would call Andelko by his shortened, more friendly name. Many years prior, he had actually been the lover of the Croatian, and had called him Andy at that time.

"Yes… I remember it like it was yesterday."

"That was numerous years ago… When we actually wanted to be around each other. Every time I lay down to go to sleep, I remember your voice, saying that name, telling me to sleep well… It's almost haunting. I used to cherish being called Andy, but now I won't let anyone call me anything other than Andelko."

"I've done a lot to make you hate being called Andy. I'm not surprised."

"It's not all your fault though… I've come to a painful realization that my hostility just… It ruined what we had back then."

"What're you trying to say, Andelko? I don't understand why you're asking these questions to me…"

"I just want to know what it was like for you."

"What?"

"What being alone was like for you. I want to know if it was anything like the pain I went through."

"Well… When… When you left me for good, I knew that you were never going to come back… I… fell apart. You know? I just… I had a hard time just getting through a few hours without shedding a tear. I spent so much time just locked in my room, trying to forget… Branko was there for quite some time… He tried to cheer me up sometimes, but nothing really worked. When he left, I felt so numb… Like I was going to lose everything… And then Tiku… He and I are never going to be able to look each other in the eyes ever again after all that went on between us…"

"Did you ever try to replace me with Branko…?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you ever love him? Or at least try to?"

"Well… I wouldn't exactly call it love; what we did… It just kind of happened… I mean… You had left me, and Nikodemos had left him… We both were longing for some sort of pleasure…"

"But you never felt anything towards him?"

"Never… It was just… Sex without love, I suppose."

"… This isn't exactly pertaining to anything, but can I ask who in all you've had sex with other than Branko and I? I know you had partners before me."

"Zlatko, for one… It was just before World War One when we were together… sort of… I wouldn't have called it much of a relationship…. And then… Well, call me insane, but Ivan and I had our time…"

"You have good relations with Ivan to this day, don't you?"

"Well… Yes. He and I can relate to quite a few things, him having the collapse of the U.S.S.R., me having the collapse of Yugoslavia. I don't think it has anything to do with when he and I were together though…"

"You never know, Novkovic. He could still think of you. Do you think about him?"

"Are you implying that I want that insane bastard again?"

"No, not at all. I was just wondering."

"Your wondering is quite questionable, Andelko…"

"… Can I ask if you ever think about me?"

"… All the time… I try not to, but you were such a significant part of my life years ago…"

"Sometimes I wish I still was that major of a part of your life again… I miss what we shared… What we had…"

"You miss our love."

"Yes…"

"Is that what you've been trying to say this entire time?"

"I suppose…"

"… Why didn't you just say so in the first place instead of asking me so many questions?"

"I don't know… I've been curious about what you've done since I left you, you know? I figured I could learn a bit by asking you so many irrelevant things."

"… What if I told you that I missed our love too?"

"Would it be true?"

"Very much so… Andelko, be glad you haven't been here to see how I've been living these past few years. I'm not half the man I used to be. Once you left, it was like you just took my heart straight out of my chest. I haven't been doing very well at all; I'm lucky that I haven't tried doing anything completely reckless."

"Novak… Please tell me you haven't contemplated trying to kill yourself…" Andelko's voice was full of worry as he finally looked to Novak, expression showing concern for the Serbian.

"… It would be a lie to say I haven't… But I've always remembered the fact that I am a nation… I cannot simply kill myself…"

"Novak, I don't want you to think of this as intrusive… But could I stay with you for a few days? I just… I want to help you recover… I don't want you thinking like that… It scares me to think that a man like you has pondered suicide…"

Novak blinked in surprise; he had never even thought for a second that Andelko would worry that much about him.

"… Don't you have obligations back in Croatia?" He questioned.

"They can be set back. You know that I'll get to them eventually… I just want to be sure that you're okay… Just allow me to stay for a few nights, please."

Novak nodded slightly, still a bit astonished.

"Thank you, Novak."

The Serbian was stunned even further when Andelko turned towards him and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. Slowly, Novak brought his arms up to encircle the slightly taller man's chest, returning the embrace. It felt so right; to be in this position. Novak, the damaged, slightly insane Serbian man, found himself shedding a few tears. Why the hell did he have to feel so safe in the arms of the man whom he thought had hated him before?

"Novak…? Are you crying?" Andelko asked, bringing one of his hands to Novak's cheek and tilting the Serbian's face slightly upwards. He confirmed that Novak was crying; but it didn't seem to be out of sadness. He almost looked to be confused.

"Are you okay?" Andelko questioned.

"Yeah… I'm fine… Just… It's been a long time since you've done anything like that… It… It brought back so many memories in just a split second…." Novak replied, looking away. Andelko gently brushed away tears that rolled down the other man's cheeks then sighed.

"Let's head inside, alright? You'll get a cold if you're out here much longer. What're you doing out here in a tank top and jeans anyways?" He asked, chuckling a bit. Novak smiled slightly.

"I suppose I never took the time to get fully dressed earlier when I got up." He said.

"Come on, Novak. I don't want you getting sick. Obviously you've had enough to deal with without being ill."

"Yeah… I have…" The Serbian responded quietly as the two headed inside the apartment.

Novak took a seat on the dull blue couch and sighed while Andelko went to the door, taking off his shoes. Once he had removed his footwear, he joined his former lover on the couch.

"You haven't changed a bit, Andelko…" Novak commented, looking to the Croatian.

"What do you mean?"

"You still act like you did when we were together… You worry about me to no end, but try to do it in a way that isn't overwhelming."

"That is true…"

"And you still look the same as you did back then too. Beard and all." Novak said, laughing a bit. Andelko reached up and scratched at his jaw.

"I actually shaved last year. I felt so odd without my beard."

"I've never seen you clean shaven before, now that I think about it… I've seen you with a goatee, a moustache, and sideburns, but never clean shaven."

"I don't plan on shaving my beard again for quite some time. You'll probably never see me without some sort of facial hair."

"I don't doubt that."

"And how about you? You almost have a beard yourself with how much stubble you seem to have acquired."

"I haven't shaven in a while… I probably should get to doing that soon."

"You still have your trademark sideburns, I can see."

"Yes, I do. They will never be shaved off."

"I can believe that."

The two went silent, smiling at each other. A few moments went by, and Novak reached over, grabbing Andelko's hand gently.

"… I love you, Andy." He spoke. Andelko's eyes lit up at the use of his shortened name, and the words that were spoken.

"I love you as well, Novak." He responded. Novak, without much hesitation, leaned over and planted a kiss on the Croatian's lips, which was almost immediately returned, with passion.

Once they separated, they both seemed a bit shocked by their own actions. Not even an hour ago, the two had considered themselves to be bitter enemies; now they were sitting on the couch kissing.

"… I… I'm sorry… That was… That was wrong of me to do…" Novak pulled away and retreated back to the other end of the couch as he spoke. Andelko sighed a bit.

"You always think you're at fault… Novak, if I thought that you kissing me was wrong at this moment, would I have returned it?"

"Well…"

"Exactly."

"But isn't it a bit uncalled for? I mean…"

"Novak, didn't I just say that it was okay?"

"I… I guess so."

"So stop trying to bring fault to yourself for doing that. It's what I wanted."

"But why did you seem as shocked as I was?"

"Because I was surprised that you made that move."

"To be honest, I'm surprised I did too…"

"Well, I'm glad you did. Because that means you're starting to not let yourself think so much before you act. Your hesitation is what hurts you a lot. It's happened to you in the past; that's how I know."

"… You're very observant. That's also something that's never changed about you."

"That is true."

"… Is there anything that has changed about you over the years?"

"Not that I'm aware of. But you've changed a lot; that I know for sure. You used to never doubt yourself… You were so confident many years ago. Whatever happened to all that confidence?"

"… Like I said earlier, I'm not half the man I used to be…"

"I'm sure the old Novak is locked somewhere in your mind."

"… God only knows how long it'll take before I return to that ambitious state I was in before."

"I doubt it'll take too long. You haven't had help for years and years. Now you have me."

"Yeah… I do."


End file.
